Wooooooah!
Kitchen Nightmares (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
People, people, people… OMG! I just had one whirlwind of a trip, and all from watching an episode of “Kitchen Nightmares“. This came to light after my lady put me on to the episode. Normally, and while I’m a fan of Gordon Ramsey (not least of all for the way he doesn’t mince his words), I don’t watch reality shows, but this one I had to view.
Check it out, if you have the time:
You know what, people? Blu is a great lady. Why? Come close and I’ll tell you.
Turns out she cares about my writing. In fact, she cares about it a bit more than I do, at times. You know what her favorite line to use with me is? “There is no excuse for typos! You are a WRITER!” When I mouth off or get snappy, she levels me with a challenging glare and says to me, “You know what, Sahm? There really is only one level of dead. I wasn’t just saying that for my health.” At which point, I slink back to my desk, still grumbling under my breath that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, and I correct whatever typos she’s found in whatever post she found them in.
The honest truth is, while I might pretend to dislike it, I actually do appreciate it, because I’ve this habit, most cases, of reading right past typos. I’m pretty sure most of us do.
“But…but, Saaaaaahm, why are you telling us about typos? Shouldn’t you be ranting, or posting some really, really morbid poetry, or talking about what happens when unicorns choke on Drake’s eyebrows?” Continue reading
Good day everyone!
Many of you may not know this, but some time ago I wrote a couple of books. One was a somewhat raunchy erotic novella called “28 Shades of Black” and the other was a poetry collection called “L’aria Onyx”.
To my surprise, these books have been selling. I know, right? Totally surprised the living hell out of me. Continue reading
*Disclaimer – No rappers were harmed in the writing of this post.*
I’m a huge fan of music. Today, though, there seems to be a serious lack of true gangstas ever since Tupac went on “vacation”. I mean, you have Rick Ross who can only get “play” by lacing the drinks of unsuspecting women with date rape drugs. You have Cassidy who dedicates everything that comes out of his mouth to some obscure Illuminati god by the name of Co Caine (sounds Assyrian, if you ask me). 
You have Drake whose eyebrows are a constant distraction. The only challenge that Chuck Norris’ beard fears is Drake’s eyebrows. I can imagine Drake’s eyebrows, Chuck Norris’ beard, and Donald Trump’s toupee in a three-way. It would be called Hot Fuzz II: The Head Case. I’ll let that sink in a moment.
There is one “singer/rapper” that I think is truly hardcore. Now, I’m fully prepared for most, if not all, of you to disagree with me. But bear with me. This guy is truly hardcore. Not only is he hardcore, he is a genius. If you missed the title, let me scream his name: CHRIS BROWN. I’m going to tell you the top five reasons why Chris Brown is much more hardcore than Tupac ever was. Continue reading
Author’s Note – I don’t personally like leaving disclaimers. They irritate the living hell out of me. I’m of a mind that a person should be capable of discerning fact from fiction, truth from lies, sarcasm from seriousness, and grains of salt from mountains. Unfortunately, this is not the case.
Disclaimer – Reading is fundamental.
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Good day, people!
You know, I was going to write something nice and sweet and fluffy today, but then I remembered what I am: a liberal-communist-progressive-Christian-Muslim-anti-christ-anarchist-socialist-America-hating-mysoginist-baby-killing-racist.
In short, I’m Satan, and Satan don’t play that.
Instead, I’m going to piss all of you off with what you will likely deem the most ignorant, asinine post that you have ever read. In fact, you probably won’t even make it through the post. Yes, that is a challenge. Why? Because I’m going to tell you about the 5 dictators and / or warlords that have inspired me in the last 30 years of my life.
After you’ve read this and you see me for the evil that I am, please feel free to inform the Department of Homeland Security at +1 202-282-8000 or the Holy Roman Church via the Vatican’s Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith at cdf@cfaith.va. Continue reading
People, I would like to say one thing: thank you.
I would like to request that anyone who wishes to nominate me for any award, do not. I appreciate any nominations, however, I do not feel at this time that it would be fair for me (specifically) to accept any awards, especially in lieu of recent events. Most certainly my behavior, while I would argue said behavior is warranted, has been unbecoming. That said, it would not be appropriate for me to accept such kindnesses from you all. What will be most pleasing will be to clean up this mess that has been made and to move forward, and to make progress on what may prove to be a lofty goal, yet ultimately achievable goal. If I have your support in that endeavor, that is award enough.
Just a thought.
I did not begin blogging on WordPress seeking friendship. Friendship, in my life, is not even a tertiary motivation as friendship tends to lead in the direction of betrayal, so I rarely consider anyone I come into contact with a friend. That said, the times I use the word friend, I intend the usage to be loose, as in associate, not so familiar as in buddy, pal, homie.
Even so, I must grudgingly admit that some of you I have come to value as actual friends. It is because I now must consider that friendships are a possible inevitability, whether I like it or not, I must explain a few things about myself. What are those things, you ask?
Come close and I will tell you. Continue reading
While we all may not agree upon what the foundations of this great country are (I believe the foundations were genocide, slavery, and outright theft whilst others believe it was this noble fight for freedom of religion and angst at taxation. Maybe it was a bit of both), I think there is one thing that is categorically false about this country, and that is the greatness and moral efficacy of capitalism, especially where it concerns your freedoms. *Cgh* bullshit. Excuse me. I had a frog in my throat.
What if I told you that there is a future when the government has no power because it has been reduced to such a size as to be ineffectual; when the corporation owns every part of your body and manages every facet of your daily life; when privacy is regarded as fanciful myth? My friends, that future is much closer than you’d believe.
DID YOU KNOW that corporations can currently patent genetic material (i.e. shit that either Nature or God, depending on your position, made)? I’ll let that sink in for a moment. While that’s sinking in, think about how this relates to capitalism. In the interim, I’m going to give you my five reasons why I believe that capitalism guarantees freedom…just not your freedom. Continue reading
People, I’ve decided I’m going to go on a tangent today and do something a little off kilter. I know what you’re going to say: “My Lord God Ark, isn’t that your usual Modus Operandi?” Why yes, lowly minion! It most certainly is! And now that you’ve ruined my post, I’m sentencing you to Tartarus, Hades, Sheol, Uffern, Anaon, Tuonela, Bagobo, Shobari Waka, and Gehenna! In short, go to Hell! Kidding. Kidding.
I want to thank someone who has been a cornerstone, and a keystone, of my life for the last two years, someone who has been very near and dear to my heart, someone who I do not give enough credit and who I give too much of a hard time. You know who you are: MT BLU, front and friggin’ center!
You know what’s cool about MT BLU? I mean, besides her being my girlfriend and BFF? No? Well, come close and I’ll tell you, my friends, just 5 of the reasons she’s pretty damn cool (which are, incidentally, 5 of the reasons you should visit her blog)!
Reason #1: Crazy Cat Lady
Even though I know she’s probably going to whoop my ass for this one (which I very much welcome >:D), the first reason you should visit her blog is her fondness for cats! See, one of the things I love about her is that she loves cats. In fact, she’s as crazy about cats as I am, and I’m damn crazy about cats. I love cats so much that if the apocalypse were upon us, and some random deity – let’s say Ahura Mazda – came to Earth and gave me the choice of which species to save – cats or humans – I would save cats. Why? Because cats can haz cheeseburgers, that’s why! In my heart of hearts, I feel my lady would do the same, and that brings a tear to my eye…a tear of joy. I think it’s safe to say that we both agree that cats are the shiznit.
You know what one of our favorite stories is? It’s this story about a big cat. This particular big cat was a tiger that got shot by some Russian dude. Well, turns out tigers don’t like getting shot. It also turns out that tigers’ memories are just as good as human beings’. It also turns out that, just like humans, tigers have this thing for revenge. So, this tiger goes to this Russian dude’s cabin in the woods, right, goes into this dude’s house, tears up all his shit, pees and defecates on it after going all Shere-Khan-gettin’-straight-gangsta-beast-mode on his junk, then goes back outside and waits in the woods for this dude to come home. 
When dude gets home, the tiger is all like “RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR! Where’s your god now, BIATCH!” Then he’s all like “What did the five claws say to the face?” And the Russian dude is all like “Huh?” And the tiger, being a fan of Rick James, is all like “SLAP.” He ends with a “Do svidaniya, poacher!” Yep. True story.
Needless to say, it didn’t end well for the Russian dude. We didn’t like that story so much because it was violent. It was more or less because we like cats, and we were both mad that some dude was just in the woods shooting up tigers knowing they’re an endangered species. As far as I’m concerned, dude got what he deserved after trying to have his way with nature. He got ahead of himself and nature got back at him.
My lady first told me of that story. I had already respected tigers. After hearing that, my respect grew. She doesn’t really post much about tigers or cats, but you should really check out her page. It’s AWESOME!
Reason #2: She Says She Ain’t No Poet
We’ve been having this on-again, off-again debate about whether or not she’s a poet. She says she isn’t a poet; I say she is a poet. Why? Well, take a look at this poem she wrote called “Pulsing Heartbeat” and then ask me why I think she’s a poet:
ARE YOU
NATIONS FIRST
BLOWING MIND, HYPNOTIZING
PLAYING ELECTRIFYING DRUMS
NATIVE PROUD
BOUNCING AND SCREAMING
PAST GHOSTS OF DANCE
PUREST FORM
DANCE OF GHOSTS PAST
SCREAMING AND BOUNCING
PROUD NATIVE
DRUMS ELECTRIFYING PLAYING
HYPNOTIZING, MIND BLOWING
FIRST NATIONS
YOU ARE
You see, she tells me she thinks I’m a great poet (not to toot my own horn and shit). Okay, maybe I am, maybe I’m not, but I think I’m aight. That up there, my friends, is a palindrome. You know what I think about palindromes? They’re incredibly fucking hard to write. You know how long this took her to work out? Two hours. You know how long it took me to write my first palindrome, A Palindrome for Death? An entire friggin’ day!
Four reasons I respect her for this piece. First, she tried. Second, it’s a friggin’ palindrome and I personally find palindromes incredibly challenging (of course, I’m used to writing free verse). Third, I think it’s an incredibly brilliant piece of poetry. Fourth, it’s full of respect, a meaningful tribute to the First Nations, the people that we should have taken a lesson from regarding how to treat this world, a people that are owed much more than the plots of land the governments who lord over them have “returned” to them. She doesn’t have an ounce of native blood in her and yet she is so interested in these people, some of whom are my brethren.
Why should you visit her page? She has an expansive mind. You can’t go wrong with a blog run by a moderator that espouses multiple views and looks at multiple cultural perspectives. And it’s not as if she writes essays or anything. You know, she might post a video from a First Nation group, or some photos or some such. It’s great! And, yo, the video from A Tribe Called Red is pretty damn dope, too!
Reason #3: If You Don’t Know How to Read, There’s Plenty of Pictures!
One of the biggest reasons I go to her blog, besides the fact that I love her, is because I don’t know how to read. Also, one of my favorite cartoon characters is Giorgio Tsoukalos. Imagine my surprise when I learned that Bill O’Reilly had a logical thought! Made me ‘LOL’. At first, I thought it was an early birthday present, and that hell had frozen over, and the world was ending (because, that’s been a long standing birthday wish of mine. Incidentally, I stopped blowing out the birthday candles after it consistently failed to happen :/ ).
Arguably, one of her most awesome posts, besides any featuring me, was this one featuring the photography of Lee Jeffries. In fact, it was this post that, on the day she posted it, inspired me to go out and take some photos of my own. See, it’s things like this that she does that makes the difference, things that she never even realizes. You know she tells me sometimes that her blog isn’t important; it’s just a blog. Well, she may not have taken these photos herself, but she shared these photos. Despite the fact that the entire world hasn’t come to her blog to see them, people have seen them, and that means something. Sure, the photographer who took the photos might not know that she shared the photos, and even if he did know, he might not give a damn, but she shared them. She shared these photos, showing the faces of people that live on the streets, faces of people that most of us, living our comfortable lives, eating our fat and sugar saturated foods, could hardly give a flying fuck about. And sure, she only shared these photos. It’s not as if she took them in. But you know what? Sharing the plight is making people aware.
And that’s a damn good reason you should visit her blog.
Reason #2: Because She Does Her Part
Okay, so this may be a bit of a guilt trip, but I think that sharing is caring and reciprocating is half the fun and all that jazz. She’s willing to share people’s stuff. She doesn’t have an ulterior motive behind it or anything. Like what I’m doing right now? She’s not asking me to do this. In fact, I’m willing to bet that she disagrees that I should be trying to get people to go to her blog because she thinks her blog isn’t all that. I think her blog is all that, and I think her blog should be shared because she shares people’s blogs! And her blog is the shiznit for all of the above reasons and more!
You know what relaxes me? The color blue… Especially the sky as it lords over the funeral of the last enemy I slew with my mighty sword.
And my lady’s blog relaxes me. SHARE IT! Why? Because she’d share yours, that’s why!
Is the guilt trip working? What if I try the puppy dog face… Is there a smiley for that? Moving on…
Reason #1: Because…It’s Life And Love… How Could You NOT Be Down With That?
Seriously, how could you not be down with Life and Love? I mean, unless you’re a totally narcissistic nutcase with ambitions of being a god; constantly refusing to cut your hair because you’re afraid you’re going to lose your imagined powers; still thinking you’re going to live forever and feeling as if you’re preordained to conquer the world, destroy it, then remake it in your image…. 
Wait…crud… That describes…me… Oh… Listen, just ignore that last paragraph, and bear with me a moment…
MT BLU is quite possibly the most amazing woman I’ve had the pleasure of knowing, befriending, and falling in-love with. In fact, she’s the only woman I’ve ever been in-love with. These are not reasons that you should visit her blog. I just felt like making it known. That said, I’ve had the pleasure of seeing her transform, grow, increase her knowledge, and express herself in ways that even she wouldn’t have believed she could have (such as her palindrome, which I’m envious that it only took her two friggin’ hours… HOW THE FLIPPITY FLIP DID SHE DO THAT?!?!?!?!?). I’m never quite sure if she believes me when I tell her that her blog is one of my favorite blogs. Truth: I love to read. I love to learn. Sometimes, though, even though I tend to be a little too complicated for my own good, I like to relax, and her blog helps me do that. It’s simple, and I don’t mean in a stupid, childish way. I mean in such a way that it’s easy to transition through, assimilate the information, and just take it all in without too much thinking. I mean it’s fucking relaxing. I see it as a gateway of sorts, a gateway to information that I might not otherwise have. It also provides me with some laughs. Those things are good things to me, and those things make my days and nights. I DEMAND MORE OF THOSE THINGS! In fact, we should all petition her to post lots more of those things.
I believe those things will make your day too, so go on and check out her blog. You’ll be happy you did.
People, I have some bad news…
It’s hard out there for a pimp. At least, according to Three 6 Mafia and Terrence Howard, it is.
Now, before any of you work yourselves into a feminist frenzy bandwagon that some opportunistic Republicans can exploit for purely nefarious political purposes, hear me out. Look at people like Katt Williams, Snoop Dogg, Soulja Boy, George W. Bush, and Justin Bieber… 
NOBODY is taking these pimps seriously anymore. You know why? Because they haven’t been slapping enough hoes. By hoes, I mean the average garden tool you can purchase at your local Home Depot.
People, I’m going to tell you, the adoring public, how you can help support your friendly neighborhood pimp! There’s no need to whore yourselves on the streets, selling your services to johns who can’t satisfy their wives but mistakenly believe it’s their wives who can’t satisfy them, and selling crack to children and R&B singers who believe that crack is somehow whack (forgive me if that’s still too soon). Would you like to know the trick? No, silly, not the trick sitting across the street in the Mercedes Benz trying to look as inconspicuous as possible… I mean the trick to helping out the aforementioned pimps and those of their ilk?
INVESTMENT…
…in BABY POWDER…! *Girlfriend hears baby powder, starts laughing maniacally in the background.* “Now slap yo’ momma,” she says. Indeed, “Baby Blu Super Fly MT” (that’s her pimp name).
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